I'm a smart girl. I'd like to also believe that i'm strong and independent and so really i should be over this boy. The thing is it's been almost a decade and i don't even know how to start getting over him.
Some days i get through just fine. Other days it feels like it just happened. There are moments when i get mad at myself for doing this to myself. I tell myself i'm better than this. I convince myself i'm over him until i realize i'm lying to myself. The truth is i don't know if it's possible to move on. I want to. I really do. I just don't know how. That's not to say i want to forget everything that happened. The memories are all i have but i wish i could move on and let the memories just be like a sad movie i can revisit when i choose to, not one that haunts me every time i watch something on tv that reminds me of him.
The thing about this boy is not just that he was the love of my life, but that he was also my best friend. I'm not generally comfortable telling my family or my friends what i really feel about anything. He was the exception. He knew more about me than anyone else and so when i really need to talk and i don't have him to turn to it makes what i'm dealing with that much harder. Today something horrible happened to me and i can't talk about it to anyone. And i'm sitting here pretending everything is okay even though it's not and i wish i could tell him. I wish i could hear his reaction, his concern. It would make me feel like it was worth making it through this day. So much worse could have happened today and i'm grateful it didn't. I think.
Some days i get through just fine. Other days it feels like it just happened. There are moments when i get mad at myself for doing this to myself. I tell myself i'm better than this. I convince myself i'm over him until i realize i'm lying to myself. The truth is i don't know if it's possible to move on. I want to. I really do. I just don't know how. That's not to say i want to forget everything that happened. The memories are all i have but i wish i could move on and let the memories just be like a sad movie i can revisit when i choose to, not one that haunts me every time i watch something on tv that reminds me of him.
The thing about this boy is not just that he was the love of my life, but that he was also my best friend. I'm not generally comfortable telling my family or my friends what i really feel about anything. He was the exception. He knew more about me than anyone else and so when i really need to talk and i don't have him to turn to it makes what i'm dealing with that much harder. Today something horrible happened to me and i can't talk about it to anyone. And i'm sitting here pretending everything is okay even though it's not and i wish i could tell him. I wish i could hear his reaction, his concern. It would make me feel like it was worth making it through this day. So much worse could have happened today and i'm grateful it didn't. I think.
